Operation: Cookie Snatch

11 Nov
The following is a short fiction piece for Story Dam’s writing prompt “Through the Eyes of a Child.” We were tasked with changing our perspective, and asked to write a piece about a location, not as we would see it, but as a child would. Since my imagination filtered and distorted my entire world when I was child, that’s the route I took with this piece. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy it!
*   *   *

Charlie peeked around the end of the burned-out building andlistened hard, but all he heard was Private Sam’s heavy breathing. 

“Shh,” he whispered. 

Sam immediately clamped his jaws and sat, his head cocked, eagerlyawaiting Charlie’s next command. Charlie dared another look. Shayla, the enemycommander, a.k.a “The Babysitter,” was talking on the two-way, her evil laughcarrying across the battlefield, but she was as of yet out of view. 

“Ok…let’s go.” 

With Sam close on his heels, Charlie ran as fast as he couldacross the frozen lake, sliding to a stop against the eastwall of the armory. He placed his hands on the granite ledge of the gateway and jumped,attempting to pull his body up and over in one swift move. His arms buckledunder the weight of his body, dropping him back to his feet, but not before hehad scoped out the location of the treasure!

Charlie fell to his knees and hooked his arm around Sam,pulling the private in close. Sam’s moist breath warmed Charlie’s cheek as hewhispered, “I have visual.”

Sam lifted his head and let out a faint whine, his body shiveringin anticipation of “Mission Complete.”

Knowing he couldn’t clear the tall ledge in one leap, Charlieinspected the face of the building, searching out toeholds. When Sam sniffedout brass hooks imbedded in the wall, Charlie nodded. “Good boy.”

Cautious of enemy sighting, Charlie rose to his feet,pressed his palms on the cool granite surface of the ledge, and inserted histoes into the brass ring. With an assisted boost from Sam’s nose, Charlie muscledhis way onto the ledge. His feet dangled as the weight of his body rested onhis chest, and he stretched, straining to reach into the far, dark corner ofthe armory. 

“Can’t… quite… reach…” Charlie grunted as he wiggled in attemptto scoot forward.

Sam whined in encouragement and pranced in anxious circles.Charlie wriggled and writhed, grunting as his muscles stretched to in-humanlengths, but the treasure remained beyond his grasp. Just as he was about to abortthe mission and return to headquarters to regroup and strategize, his fingersgained purchase. 

“I got it!” Charlie whispered in victory.

Sam barked out a cheer, shattering the silence, andshattering Charlie’s concentration. His body twisted as his foot slipped. Frantically,he grasped at air, desperate to regain his hold. As he fell from the deathlyheights of the granite ledge, his uniform hooked onto a booby-trap, suspendinghim mid-air—Upside-down!

“Mommy!” Charliecried out in reflex as his treasure plummeted to the frozen lake below, shatteringon impact. And then, horror upon horror, he started to cry for real. 

The armory and frozen lake dissolved, transforming back into anupside-down, sun-drenched kitchen. Charlie flailed in panic, crying harder asblood rushed to his head and his fingertips brushed uselessly across the blue linoleumfloor. 

“Sam! Help,” Charlie pleaded as he struggled to free himselffrom capture.

With loyalty forgotten and heavy footsteps fast approaching,the dog greedily gobbled up the broken peanut butter cookies, then ran forcover.

“Traitor!” 

“Charlie! What are you—”

The words died on Shayla’s lips as she rounded the counterand laid eyes upon Charlie dangling from the handle of the silverware drawer byhis belt loop. 

“Oh. My. God! Keira, you have GOT to see this!” Shaylalaughed into her cell phone. “I’m sending a picture now.”

As The Babysitter cackled and her camera phone flashed,Charlie thrashed helplessly and plotted his revenge. The battle may be lost,but the war rages on…

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11 Responses to “Operation: Cookie Snatch”

  1. Brandon Duncan November 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    HA! I LOVED THIS!!!Why were you so worried? You did a fantastic job! I don't think I ever played Army when I was a kid (Air Force brat), but being a Soldier now (and having the mentality of an 8 year old) I could totally picture this.For your critique, you didn't leave me with much to work with. One thing I saw was this statement: "…shattering the silence, and shattering Charlie’s…" Using shattering twice is a bit redundant. Try using a different word or leaving out the second "shatter". The other stuff was trivial. Little punctuation and capitalization stuff. Nothing we're concerned with.Again, great job! And you are hilarious!

  2. Donna Sturgeon November 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    Thanks, Brandon! I'm so happy you liked it. It's always a relief when others confirm that they can "see" what was in my head. Now I can breathe easy. whoo!

  3. frommywriteside November 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    Oh I definitely see this. What a great visual. I love the idea of turning a kitchen into an army expedition and getting to the cookies an adventure. This really is fabulous. I don't have anything either. I just remember smiling through the whole thing, especially when I realized that Sam was a dog. Simply fabulous!

  4. gracefullwomen.com November 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    Awesomely funny! I could picture the whole scene play by play. Loved when Sam ate the cookie and ran. Just like a dog. Great job.

  5. Donna Sturgeon November 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    Thank you writeside and gracefullwomen! I'm so happy my story brought a smile. 🙂

  6. bridgetstraub.com November 11, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

    I love that the babysitter sends a picture. Great job.

  7. Donna Sturgeon November 12, 2011 at 7:33 am #

    Thanks, Bridget! 🙂

  8. Bailey Bristol November 15, 2011 at 11:21 pm #

    Donna, your gift shines through in such stunning colors. You are a writer of rare talent. It's a privilege to read your work!

  9. Donna Sturgeon November 16, 2011 at 6:24 am #

    Aw, Bailey, you're making me blush! Thank you. 🙂

  10. Brandi November 16, 2011 at 7:47 am #

    This is great!!! I babysat as a teen and could so see this playing out. One of the little boys I watched on occasion was a 'cookie snatcher' with a very vivid imagination so I'm wondering if any of his 'missions' were ever played out like this. If so it would explain some of the crazy things I witnessed him doing in an attempt to obtain the prize! I also just read it to our 9 year old, and she gave it two thumbs up. You captured an audience both young and old 🙂

  11. Donna Sturgeon November 16, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    Two thumbs up? Awesome!!!! 🙂 That is truly the best compliment a writer can receive!! Please pass on my thank-you's to my youngest fan. 🙂

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